That’s a new one

I was idle at the information desk when a man came up to me in a rush.

Phil: “Hey! I’m looking for books on recorders.”

Me: “Howiya!?…I’m not too sure about books but we do have recorders. If you come over with me we can see if there’s something there.”

We arrive over at the music section and there’s no books.

Me:”Sorry, mate, there’s nothing.”

Phil: “No,no! Not books! I’ve lost someone who was looking for books on recorders and thought they might have asked you!”

Me: “Eh…no. No one has asked me or ever asked me for books on recorders.”

He dances on the spot and scratches his head.

Me:”Maybe you could give them a call on their phone?”

Phil:”Ah, no, no. I’ll keep looking.”

Off Phil went looking about for someone instead of calling them.

That’s a new one for the books. # BaldManProblems

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Do you hear that?

Her footsteps sounded like suction pads on the wooden floor as she approached me on the information desk. She was vertical challenged and peered over the top of the desk at me.

Jill: “Hi!”

Me: “Ah, hello there.”

Jill:” I’m looking for a right handed pen.”

Me: “Haha! That’s a good one. I never heard that one before.”

She glares at me.

Me: “Oh! You’re serious! Well…any pen would do the job.”

She’s unhappy with my response and snaps back–“I just want a pen to write with!”

Me: “Right, well you’ll have to venture upstairs for them so.”

There’s a slight pop from beneath her feet as she scampers off towards the stairs.

As I continue to sit at the desk I can feel her eyes burn into the back of my head as she passes on the stairs.

On a scale of one to odd that was an eleven. # BaldManProblems

What are you waxing around for?

I was sitting as still as a pervert in the bushes while I did a stint on the information desk today. A middle aged woman passed by in lime green trousers and did a double take of me sitting there. This caught my attention so I looked at her and smiled.
She smiled back at me and decided to come over to me.

Perplexed Patricia: “Haha! Oh, my god! I thought you were made of wax, like a wax dummy.”
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After this remark she reached for my wrist and gave it a gentle stroke.

Me: “Ah, yeah. I was sitting quite still.”

Perplexed Patricia: “I was in the wax museum recently and was so uneasy being around the dummies; I kept waiting for one of them to jump out at me.”

Me: “Haha! It could happen. I know they do that sometimes in the wax museum in London.”

Perplexed Patricia: “It’s my biggest fear! I keep thinking anyone who sits still will turn and jump at me.”

Me: “You should keep an eye on their chest moving up and down, you know, breathing and all that.”

Perplexed Patricia: “God! I never thought of that! That’s a great idea! Thanks!”

Before she departs she stokes my wrist one last time and walks off with a smile on her face.

I’ve been called many a name but never have I been thought to be a wax dummy. Maybe the fluorescents in work give me a waxy look? # BaldManProblems

Hugh Hefner would be ashamed of you.

I was on and off the information desk for most of the day today. At one point during the day I was sitting there when a middle aged man came up to me.

Conservative Conor: “Hello there.”

Me: “Howiya!?”

Conservative Conor: “I’m very well, thank you. I have a complaint I would like to make. Firstly I would like to commend you on what a wonderful store you have and that I’ve been coming here for a number of years. ”

Me: “Good stuff. What seems to be the problem?”

Conservative Conor: “Well I noticed that you sell Playboy.”

Me: “Yup, we stock a bit of everything here.”

Conservative Conor: “Because of you stocking such a magazine I’m afraid I will be taking my custom elsewhere.”

Me: “Right! Well to be honest I’m not the person you should be talking to about this. I can get you a manager if you like?”

Conservative Conor: “No, that won’t be necessary. Please just pass it on. Goodbye now.”

Off he goes leaving me baffled.

Of all things to complain about this one takes the biscuit. Playboy is quite tame in comparison to the other magazines. I only know this because I’ve seen scantly dressed individuals in Penthouse and Attitude that puts Playboy to shame. I only look at those titles because Penthouse has better articles and Attitude has a good fashion column.

I do wish I could have said more to this fellow. # BaldManProblems

She took that well

I was walking swiftly to the bathroom because I needed to lose some weight. As I approached the stairs to head to the locker room two old women stopped me for a moment.

Nora: “Excuse me? I’m looking for the Buy and Sell.”

Me: “That’s no longer in print. You can only see it online now.”

Nora: “Awh! I’m sick of all this online shite! What about the old people who don’t use it?”

Me: “Well, I don’t think they’re really concerned about you. They see a future and you’re not in it.”

Betty: “He’s right you know…”

Nora: “Bah! We old people have all the money, not you young folk.”

Nora and Betty take their leave.

I’m glad my response was taken so well otherwise that could have ended badly. # BaldManProblems

He seemed to have an invisible touch

I was putting out stock earlier and wasn’t sure where it went so I had to use the computer to find out. As I was looking up the books a man came from the side and decided to start talking to me.

Monty: “Do you like Darren Shan?”

Me: “Yeah, he’s a good writer.”

Monty: “Do you know him?”

Me: “Not personally, I just know of his work.”

Monty: “Do you like the Demonata series?”

Me: “I wasn’t too pushed on that. I much preferred the saga he wrote.”

He doesn’t respond to me, he just continues to stand next to me as I look up the books. I start to think he’s moved on but I’m wrong. Instead before he departs he reaches out and gently caresses my shoulder with his finger tips and says goodbye.

I don’t turn around, I continue to stare at the computer screen . It takes me a moment to realise what has just happened…I’ve never felt so violated…# BaldManProblems

He ain’t heavy, He’s my brother.

The shop was coming to a close and there was a fair few stragglers still hanging around. One of the stragglers shimmies up to the till that I’m on.

Ted: “Hello there, Tom. I suppose you’re wondering how I know your name?”

Me: “Eh, not really since Tom isn’t my name.”

Ted: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Pretty sure of my own name, yeah.”

Ted: “I could have sworn it was.”

Me: “Nope.”

The transaction comes to a close and Ted starts to walk away but not before he winks a goes–“See you later brother!”

Bank Holiday weekends do strange things to customers…Where did he get the name Tom from? # BaldManProblems