“They may just have big socks”

I’m just back from The Father’s house. I came in and sat down to greet The Mother and see how her Christmas Day went.

Me: “Howiya!? How was your dinner?”

The Mother: “It was grand…Your Sister sent a message to my friend, off my phone saying “I love big willies and tractors!”

Me: “And do you not?”

The Mother: ” My friend replied saying She’d would have no problem asking for the tractor, but going about finding a big willy would be hard. What will she do? Ask the farmers’ for their shoe size?”

Me: “It is a tricky one. They may just have big socks”

I wish her all the luck in her pursuit for big willies and tractors. I just don’t want her bringing home a farmer to the house. #BaldManProblems.

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“They’re like mini cabbages”

Every year The Father buys sprouts in the hopes that I’ll try them. It never happens because I despise them so. “They’re like mini cabbages” he says. “You can shove them up your arse” says I. Kindly bugger off, sprouts. #BaldManChristmasProblems.

“It was the night before Christmas”

I got a nice surprise after work today- here’s me thinking it was a junkie who threatened me in work, Darren Ó HAilín was outside! Darren was back from France, for Christmas. I was overwhelmed with joy and all other happy emotions after seeing his gruff, bearded face. I embraced him, and he me, in one of the most manly hugs I have ever given. It was true bro-mance; Brokeback Mountain eat your heart out.
After we finished our embrace we proceeded to the bus stop. While we were waiting for our transport to Ballyfermot, a junkie approached us, asking us for a cigarette, which neither of us had. He then tried to regale us with a recent episode in his life.

Junkie Jim: “Hoiwya, lads? Have yous’ a smoke?”

We both responded in the negative.

Junkie Jim: “Me girlfriends presents were nearly stolen today, she was with her baby and all, at the taxi rank! Her presents were nearly knocked on the road. But the taxi drivers’ all turned their headlights to help her see them and called your one a bitch. She tried to bite me and give me her disease! They’re mad for biting, those theifs’!”

Darren & Me: “Y..e…a..h, that’s awful”

Junkie Jim : “I went home with my girlfriend. I was going to come back in, sneak up on your one, and stab her in the face with a pen! Feckin’ bitch. Merry Christmas lads”

The bus opened its doors to let us on.

Darren: “Let him get on the bus first. I don’t want him sitting with us.”

Me: “Me neither.”

Luckily he went upstairs.

Just when I thought biting was bad enough, I now have to worry about getting a pen pulled on me! Junkies’ are evolving. #BaldManProblems

“I was sticking to myself.”

It was a sweaty day at work today. It was so hot, I kept sticking to myself. I had a shower to wash away the nasty, then decided to make food. While in the kitchen The Mother shouts out to me.

The Mother: “I’m running away”

Me: “Ah, you can’t do that. Who will I hurl verbal filth at and have odd conversations with?”

The Mother: “Lisa.”

Me: “Pffft! She’s no good. Where will you go?”

The Mother: “Some place warm, somewhere with no recession.”

Me: “Ha, ha! Good luck with that! Why not runaway to China? They’re a growing economic power, perfect place to be.”

The Mother: “Nah, I wouldn’t like China…Right, I’m off to bed. I want to watch something funny.”

Me: “You should look in the mirror.”

The Mother: “Feck off! If I did runaway and decide to come back, I’d find Lisa rocking back and forth from all the verbal filth you’ve flung at her.”

Me: “Ha! Yeah”

I do hope she doesn’t runaway. I wouldn’t have a proper outlet for all the verbal filth that builds up on daily basis…I’d probably end up missing her…probably.#BaldManProblems.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you”

I had a brief moment on the floor in work today. It was hard not to avoid brushing bums off bums while trying to navigate my way through the sea of customers that had come in, by the ship load, to purchase gifts for their loved ones. I found myself in the health section in the company of a couple who looked like they had been through the wars…twice.
The man I spoke to had a proportion of his lip covered in a glorious moustache and his wife had the makings of one; it must be from all their kissing, some of the man’s moustache is bound be left behind. He asked his question.

Moustache Marvin: “Excuse me young man, can you help me?”

Me: “I can certainly try”

Moustache Marvin: “I’m looking for a book that will help me diagnose health problems and how to go about treating them.”

Me: “Emmm, I’d usually go to a Doctor”

Moustache Marvin: “Don’t trust them.”

Me: “Yeah, their hands are always cold. Well, there’s this book. It’s a Dummies guide. But seriously think about getting a professional opinion before you do anything.”

Moustache Marvin: “Ah, We’ll be grand”

Me: “Right, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you…Oh, and another thing. If you happen to be checking your prostate, be sure you remember where your finger is before you decide to sit down”

Moustache Marvin :”Ha, ha! I like you, Merry Christmas.”

This is the first time I’ve been concerned about, not just one, but two customers’ well being. #BaldManProblems.

Spiritual Sally.

A woman, who wasn’t young, and definitely wasn’t old, I wouldn’t even say middle aged, probably has a lot of fibre in her diet, came up to me while I was on the desk in work tonight. She had a spiritual book in her hand. I won’t say what it was because I’m not a fan of product placement. Lets just say it’s a secret and you can make up your mind what it is.

Spiritual Sally: “Can I say something to you?”

Me: “Of course”

Spiritual Sally: “This book spoke to me and I highly recommend it”

Me: “That’s mad, it’s not even an audio book”

Spiritual Sally: “You’re not taking this seriously are you?”

Me: “Not really, no”

Spiritual Sally: “Why?”

Me: “Because I don’t buy into that spirituality stuff. I get more spiritual enlightenment from reading the back of a cornflakes box”

Spiritual Sally: “Well I hope you see the error of your ways and read this…I’ll leave it here for you”

I wish customers’ would stop recommending spiritual books to me. #BaldManProblems.