Romance is dead.

I was asking The Lady Friend if she heard of the new show with Daniel Radcliffe, I couldn’t think of the name.

Me: “Have you heard about the doctor thing with Daniel Radcliffe. It looks deadly!”

The Lady Friend: “No, we don’t have a TV”

Me:” Ah, its, its. Ah, feck, I’ll think of it. Wait! I’ve got the internet on my phone!”

The Lady Friend: “You have the world at your finger tips”

I place my hand on her arm.

Me: “But you’re my world”

She was eating at the time.

The Lady Friend: “Don’t make me throw up!”

Me: “Arse off”

That’s the last time I try to say something romantic. #BaldManProblems.

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A posse of old biddys!

I’ve be trying to write a new short story, but can’t get past the first bleedin’ paragraph; So I decided to head down stairs, and get some food. While coming the down stairs, I was swearing something fierce.

Me: “Feck, arse, tits and shoes”

The Mother: “What’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I’ve had a massive brain fart, and can’t get past the first paragraph of a new short story I’ve started to write.”

The Mother: “Oh, what’s it about?”

Me: “I can’t tell you, but it involves a Dublin Pigeon”

The Mother pisses herself laughin’ at this.

The Mother: “Oooh, wait till I tell ya. Maire and me were down at Bus Aras and there was loads of pigeons, like millions, and this lad dropped all his M and Ms; you wanna see them all go mad for the stuff. Maire and me were so giddy at this.”

Me: “You’re going mad”

The Mother: “Be nice to me, or I’ll get my friends after you!”

So, now, I’ve to worry about getting beat up by a posse of old biddys…Fantastic. #BaldManProblems.

The Sister :”What’s the meaning of life?”

So, I was sitting down eating some soup and toast; not the most filling dinner but I had a 24 hour bug recently, so my stomach was still sensitive. The Sister came down and asked me for help with her religion exam.

The Sister: “I was knocking on your room door, I thought you were ignoring me, when you didn’t answer”

Me: “Ah, you’d know if I was ignoring you.”

The Sister: “How?”

Me:” I wouldn’t answer you…What do you want?”

The Sister: “I need help with my religion exam. It’s about the meaning of life”

Me: “Pfft! Ha, fine, go on”

The Sister: “I need something about the meaning behind death, like why people say “Oh, why did this happen to me? Why did he/she have to die”

Me: “Death happens to everyone. People have an expiry date, like everything.”

The Sister: “I think I’ll go ask ma, she’s more spiritual”

Me: “Yeah, she loves her angel’s and stuff”

Sometimes I wish I could be spiritual…but not that often. #BaldManProblems.

Mighty slip of the tongue

Things you shouldn’t say to customers.

Customer: “So you’re pretty spread out today, huh?”

Me: “Jaysus, yeah, I’m more spread than a hooker from the Red Light district.”

Customer: …

Me: “So, would you like a bag with that?”

Customer: “Please”

Mighty slip of the tongue that was. #BaldManProblems.

An alluring shine at a few minutes past nine.

I was waiting at my bus stop that’s on Fleet Street, I can also wait on College Green but I wasn’t arsed walking all the way there, so I went to my usual haunt. So I’m there waiting away for bus that’s a few feet away from me. I should also mention that they’ve finally got around to installing a real time information time teller thing–about bleedin’ time–, when a fairly intoxicated man comes out of the pub across from me, ‘Bowe’s’ I think it’s called, to have a smoke. His sense of balance is well out of order, like Granny with a bad hip thats about to give out, he probably had one too many Gin and Tonics, he seemed the type to consume that alcoholic beverage. I still have about 3mins before the bus moves off, when he shouts over to me.

Drunk Dave: “Agh! I luv they wa’ ur head shines in the light”

Me: “Oh, stop, you’re embarrassing me”

Drunk Dave: “Nah, man, you don’t get me, like, I luuuv it. Can I touch it?”

Alarm bells start ringing.

Me:” I’d rather you didn’t”

He starts to stumble his way over, but lucky for me the bus pulls off, beeps at him and blocks his passage. I need to invest in a moisturiser that doesn’t give such an alluring shine. #BaldManProblems.

Grandparents always know what to say

I was in the process of getting ready to jump into the shower and wash myself when there was a knock at the door. I went down stairs in my hip hugging, grey and blue stripy boxers along with a orange and grey striped top. I didn’t plan on my boxers matching my top, but hey, it worked. It was The Grandad at the door, I forgot he was coming over for dinner. I open the door and he sees the outfit.

The Grandad: “Oh, ho, ho! Look at you. Your boxers and top match”

Me: “Howiya!?, I’m about to go wash myself, I’ll be back down in a few minutes.”

I go upstairs and hop in the shower, jump out, dry myself and come back down. This time I’m wearing a plain white t-shirt and jeans.

The Grandad: “Ah, you changed your outfit. I’d say you’re a hit with the lads when you wear the other one”

Me: “Thanks Grandad, you always know what to say”

Somethings you really don’t wanna hear from your relations. #BaldManProblems.